He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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