She is in my trunk
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
