i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
