I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
