i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
