I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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