If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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