Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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