You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
