Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
