God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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