I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
