That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
