I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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