The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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