I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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