i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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