Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
