Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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