Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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