And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
