Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
