mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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