Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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