Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
