I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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