I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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