There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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