I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
