My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
