How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do you remember whose house we're in?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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