woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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