Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
