I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh god it's open bar.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
