i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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