mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
