I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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