peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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