i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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