i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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