the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
