you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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