Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize
