I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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