I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
