I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
