You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
