There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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