Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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