hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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