nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
