Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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