So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
