i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Damn victory sex feels great
There are leaves in my underwear?
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