Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
